What if the key to better dating isn’t who you’re meeting—but who you believe you are?
Too Many Tips, Not Enough Clarity
Let’s be real—dating advice is everywhere. Whether it’s coming from well-meaning relatives or the latest podcast, it’s easy to feel overwhelmed. That’s why I usually steer clear of giving dating tips. But recently, I heard a piece of wisdom that stopped me in my tracks. It was clear, impactful, and most of all—transformative.
The 60/90 Analogy That Changes Everything
Dr. Tamar Perlman, in a TorahAnytime talk, shared an analogy that has stayed with me ever since. She spoke about a sixth-grade boy who scores a 90 when he studies, and a 60 when he doesn’t. So who is he—a 60 or a 90? The answer: he’s both. His capacity spans the range, and it all depends on his effort and mindset.
Here’s the kicker: we’re the same. We each have a “best self” and a “not-so-best self.” And when it comes to dating, the version we bring to the table—the 90 or the 60—makes a massive difference.
When Confidence Takes a Hit
Here’s the part no one tells you: being in the dating world for a while can start to wear you down. Slowly, quietly, your confidence may take hit after hit. Maybe it’s the unsolicited comments, the awkward encounters, or the subtle (and not-so-subtle) pressures of fitting into a certain mold. Bit by bit, you stop seeing yourself as a confident, radiant 90—and start believing you’re a 60.
Like Attracts Like
Here’s where it gets interesting. When we operate from our 60 zone—when fear, doubt, and low self-worth are in the driver’s seat—we tend to attract others who are also stuck in that space. You may start dating people who just aren’t aligned with who you really are or what you truly want.
But when you stand in your worth—when you walk into a date as your full 90 self—you naturally begin attracting people who reflect that same energy. Because confidence? It’s magnetic.
The Power of Awareness
The first step to change is awareness. Ask yourself: Which version of me is saying yes to this date? Is it the calm, confident version—or the one that’s afraid of missing out or being alone? Is fear running the show, or is it faith in who you are and what you deserve?
Mindset Over ‘Maybe’
I’ve lived this shift firsthand. I found myself saying yes to almost every suggestion—not out of excitement, but out of fear that “maybe this is my only chance.” Deep down, I knew some of those options were off the mark. What helped wasn’t saying “yes” more, but believing I was a 90—and worthy of someone who saw that, too. That mindset moved me from confusion to clarity.
Confidence Isn’t Arrogance—It’s Alignment
Let’s clear something up: this isn’t about sitting on a pedestal and waiting for perfection. Growth often means adjusting your filters. But if you remove every boundary in the name of “being open,” you risk losing sight of what really matters. Be open—but be honest with yourself, too. Your intuition deserves a seat at the table.
Filter Through the Right Lens
Now, when a name is suggested, I ask myself: Is my 90 saying yes—or my 60? That single question has brought so much peace of mind. It helps me filter suggestions through the lens of confidence, not scarcity. Because when your choices come from your best self, they lead to your best outcomes.
Your 90 Is Waiting
Dr. Tamar Perlman’s 60/90 analogy is more than a metaphor—it’s a mindset shift. When you operate from a place of fear, you settle. When you step into your worth, you rise. Your dating life isn’t just about finding the right person—it’s about being the right version of you. You’re a 90. And you’re absolutely worthy of a 90, too.
Final Thoughts: You’re a 90. Don’t Forget It.
At the end of the day, this isn’t about being perfect or getting every decision right. It’s about coming back to yourself. The version of you that’s clear, confident, calm—that’s your 90. And you are a 90. You are worthy of someone who sees that and reflects it back to you.
So before you say yes to the next suggestion, pause and ask: Which version of me is speaking right now? That small moment of self-honesty might change everything.
